I’m teetering on the edge of panic every day.
First, my job. I love what I do for a living: I teach. It’s fantastic. I love my students, I love the information I teach, and I love the hours. But there are other things that I hate which probably cannot be written on this blog. Panic Button No. 1.
Grad school. It’s rough being a doctoral student. It’s even rougher having to commute seven hours for class. I don’t have the opportunity to really get to know my professors, which, as it’s really all political anyway, is a pain. Plus, if I have a question, I have to pray that they check their e-mail or pick up their phone. I can’t go to the mass com building and hunt them down like I would do normally.
Training. Don’t get me wrong; I love running. Okay, I don’t love running – I love the feeling I have after a run. But it takes up some serious time, either early in the morning or in the afternoon. Time is money. Speaking of which…
Money. Isn’t money always a problem? Sometimes I just want to escape and live on a beach where I’d fish for my food and not worry about money. But then I’d probably have to walk around nude, I’d starve because I wouldn’t catch any fish, and Hubby would miss his Saints football.
I panic on a regular basis. It’s just who I am. Last year, my first year of teaching, I was so nervous that my eye twitched for a month.
I’m living on the edge, and if I fall, they’re probably going to lock me up in jail or a mental institution and throw away the key.
So what does a panic-stricken girl do? Drink a lot of coffee and pray. No, I’m serious. Praying’s always my best choice (though I do appreciate a good cup of coffee, too). Sometimes I choose less-than-fantastic options, but I have learned that praying a) calms me down and b) makes me feel like I don’t have to worry about this anymore.
I had a revelation on Sunday, and it was pretty ridiculous – that I didn’t already figure it out, that is. “This is it, Lord,” I thought. “This is all I can do. My life’s in your hands.” And then I thought about that last statement. It was like a brilliant light bulb went off in that dark attic of my brain, and I was just stunned. Like I said, ridiculous, right?
Before I go any further, don't think that I'm sad or depressed or anything like that. Life rocks. It really does. I have a fantastic husband, a great family, wonderful friends, and, really, everything's going well. But I'm always living on that edge...
As a side note, my hip feels better today. I did run (don’t hate!) but it was only because around 2, it stopped hurting. No running today, but I’ll do three miles tomorrow, rest on Friday, and then 5k on Saturday.
But if I need it, just pour me a cup of coffee, okay?