Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A day in the life of...

I’m teetering on the edge of panic every day.

First, my job. I love what I do for a living: I teach. It’s fantastic. I love my students, I love the information I teach, and I love the hours. But there are other things that I hate which probably cannot be written on this blog. Panic Button No. 1.

Grad school. It’s rough being a doctoral student. It’s even rougher having to commute seven hours for class. I don’t have the opportunity to really get to know my professors, which, as it’s really all political anyway, is a pain. Plus, if I have a question, I have to pray that they check their e-mail or pick up their phone. I can’t go to the mass com building and hunt them down like I would do normally.

Training. Don’t get me wrong; I love running. Okay, I don’t love running – I love the feeling I have after a run. But it takes up some serious time, either early in the morning or in the afternoon. Time is money. Speaking of which…

Money. Isn’t money always a problem? Sometimes I just want to escape and live on a beach where I’d fish for my food and not worry about money. But then I’d probably have to walk around nude, I’d starve because I wouldn’t catch any fish, and Hubby would miss his Saints football.

I panic on a regular basis. It’s just who I am. Last year, my first year of teaching, I was so nervous that my eye twitched for a month.

I’m living on the edge, and if I fall, they’re probably going to lock me up in jail or a mental institution and throw away the key.

So what does a panic-stricken girl do? Drink a lot of coffee and pray. No, I’m serious. Praying’s always my best choice (though I do appreciate a good cup of coffee, too). Sometimes I choose less-than-fantastic options, but I have learned that praying a) calms me down and b) makes me feel like I don’t have to worry about this anymore.

I had a revelation on Sunday, and it was pretty ridiculous – that I didn’t already figure it out, that is. “This is it, Lord,” I thought. “This is all I can do. My life’s in your hands.” And then I thought about that last statement. It was like a brilliant light bulb went off in that dark attic of my brain, and I was just stunned. Like I said, ridiculous, right?

Before I go any further, don't think that I'm sad or depressed or anything like that. Life rocks. It really does. I have a fantastic husband, a great family, wonderful friends, and, really, everything's going well. But I'm always living on that edge...

As a side note, my hip feels better today. I did run (don’t hate!) but it was only because around 2, it stopped hurting. No running today, but I’ll do three miles tomorrow, rest on Friday, and then 5k on Saturday.

But if I need it, just pour me a cup of coffee, okay?

13 comments:

Mari said...

I've had those same type of light bulb moments. The sad thing is, I still go back to worrying and have to go back to those promises of God again and again. You would think I'd learn!

Beth@playinwiththepaulsens! said...

love this post. just what I needed. I was sitting waiting for one of the boys to get out of school and realized I was mentally just going from one worry to another to another in my head! silly stuff, little stuff, constantly. And yet I have a Savior who wants it all but I choose to keep it, dance with it, silly. I want to give it to Him. His peace is so sweet.

Lucy Marie said...

I so hear you. I am a worrier, a panicker, an anxietier (that's not I word, I know).

I have these feelings of panic all the time and often I cannot even pinpoint what it is I'm stressing over. I am learning to let go and let God.

It's easier said than done.

Rachelle said...

I can't say that I panic, but I can at time worry...

Glad you got to run!

Sabrina said...

Life's tough sometimes...sounds like you're handling things well though! Don't be too hard on yourself.

Brittany Ann said...

OK....we may or may not be the same person...I have the same issues and the same philosophy: teach, coffee, and pray. And I'm a stressed out mess, but I keep going, because we are His, and that's a comfort, isn't it?

Amen sister! Thanks for posting this!

Mama Belle said...

Man, you are rockin' and rollin' on the whole running thing. Good for you.

And, the rest of the stuff ... don't fret.

sara said...

this cracked me up:

But then I’d probably have to walk around nude, I’d starve because I wouldn’t catch any fish, and Hubby would miss his Saints football.

I'm thinking hubby won't miss the saints if you are walking around nude...just sayin'.

Sarah Dawn said...

WOuld love to pour you a cup of coffee! Sweet one, a delight to meet you today. I too have had the anxious moments of teetering on the edge even though my life seems like a beautiful dream where I never want to wake up. Be anxious for nothing, just cling to Him.

Blessings for your night,
Sarah Dawn

Sara@i.Sass said...

PpppppREACHING to the choir!
seriously, I thought about the island thing too, but then I started thinking about the snakes on the island and sharks in the water. I don't climb trees well so I couldn't reach the coconuts and bananas. I need sunscreen. I'd miss TARGET. FEAR and worry can drive a person MAD. How awesome that we have the ability to take it to the cross and lay it down. It's not easy, it's not fun it sure ain't pretty when we do. But he is always there waiting for us.
Personally, I like to carry my "stuff" in a backpack and swing it at people every now and again. ;) Did I say that out loud?!

Rachel @ Future Pastor's Wife said...

I'd come share the cup with you if I could! :)

Brooke said...

i was emailing my sister about how stressed i was - my calendar is booked up through thanksgiving! so she said just cancel something.

so i was like "how long have you known me?" when i first got married i stressed about money, then jay finally starting making some so i obessed about weight loss, now that's done i've got to shift to something.

sounds like we're in the same boat. minus the eye twitch for me.

Colleen said...

wow, it sounds like we worry about the same stuff. instead of an eye twitch i get a knot in my shoulder. you'll do great this weekend and am excited to hear about your first 5k.